Suzie Sanders -- Art Doll made by candi

Suzie Sanders is very proper and fun. I'm looking for the perfect tiny teapot or teacup to fit in her left hand.

I made the art doll above for my friend Christy because she needs a lovely friend to share some relaxation and conversation over tea. I'm in California and she's in Florida so that's not going to be me. So I'll send a proxy!

I'll post more detailed photos of Suzie Sanders very soon.

Hurry Home Hoodie! Candi Misses You.



Hoodie fixing a fence. Uggs is reading to him from Surfer's Journal

Hoodie Meditating in his front yard. Smiling with his eyes closed.

Hoodie is our neighbor. We called him Hoodie for months between ourselves before we knew his name is Larry. Pat and I had decided before talking to him that we were pretty sure we wanted him to be our new dad. Collectively. Our friend Dan was into it, too. Larry, of course, does not know that we look up to him as we do.

I, for example, have learned a lot about chillllllllling the f#ck out from just listening to Larry talk and watching him day in and out come and go with an even positivity. He's had a lot of tragedy in his life but he doesn't see it that way. He feels lucky. He has lost a wife to cancer. He has survived thyroid cancer. He started surfing again in his late 40's after living inland since his early teens.

Larry went to see family for the holidays and Pat is hazy on the details regarding his return. Why am I such a puppy watching his driveway and listening for gravel disturbances?

Yesterday the across-the-street neighbors had tree cutters working in their yard all day. They gave a very impressive Fargo-sounding closing number with a chipper. Sunny acted like we were about to be bombed from above and didn't calm down until it was dark. Then she starts worrying about monsters instead of tree chippers and helicopters (she knows that one will crash on our house eventually because she's my daughter).

Anywhoo, Larry's not back and it's been longer than I like.
Sigh.

I have an adorable little mason jar full of Scandinavian Spritz Cookies (we renamed them belly button cookies because that's what they look like) with Larry's name on it right by the door so that when I see him I will run to the door and fling it open and then ...

I will look at Larry getting his stuff out of his adorably clean Honda CRV and think that he wouldn't want to be ambushed by a manic-depressive middle-aged frumpy woman and her strange cookies and awkward social interactions right after driving for hours and hours in his Larry-bubble of grooviness.

About 24 hours later I might be able to sneak across our skinny yard while he's loading up his surfboard for the day and nonchalantly offer him my jar of love.

Ghibli's Next Film Adapts Mary Norton's The Borrowers

[OMG OMG OMG OMG! 

New anime from Studio Ghibli! Now I can't wait for Valentine's Day.]

from Anime News Network [who knew there was one of those?]:

The official website for Studio Ghibli's next project, an adaptation of Mary Norton's The Borrowers (Yukashita no Kobito-tachi) novel, has launched on Thursday. Studio co-founder Hayao Miyazaki has been planning the Karigurashi no Arrietty (The Borrower Arrietty) film since July of 2008, but as previously revealed by producer Toshio Suzuki, Miyazaki is not directing the next film. 36-year-old animator Hiromasa Yonebayashi is making his directorial debut with this project. The film will open in the summer of 2010.

The original, Carnegie Medal-winning 1952 novel revolves around the "little people" — 10 centimeters (about 4 inches) tall — who live underneath the floorboards of an English country house. (The Japanese title literally means "the little people under the floor.") 14-year-old Arrietty and the rest of the Clock family live in peaceful anonymity as they make their own home from items "borrowed" from the house's human inhabitants. However, life changes for the Clocks when a human boy discovers Arrietty. Ghibli's adaptation will transport the setting from 1950s England to the Tokyo neighborhood of Koganei in 2010. (Koganei in western Tokyo is the home of a number of Japanese animation studios, including Ghibli itself.)

Yonebayashi was an assistant animation director of Ghibli's Gedo Senki, and he was an animation director on the Mei to Konekobasu theatrical short. He was also a key animator on Howl's Moving Castle, Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea, and Spirited Away. Yonebayashi joined Ghibli in 1996, but Miyazaki and fellow Ghibli founder Isao Takahata had been contemplating an adaptation of The Borrowers for about 40 years.

Cécile Corbel, a Breton folk-singer & Celtic harpist from France, co-wrote and performed the theme song "Arriety's Song." The song will be available on December 19 from several Japanese music distribution services, including Apple's iTunes Store.

The novel has already been adapted into live-action in English three times — in 1973, 1992, and 1997.

And Now Give it Up for PEACHES ABLAZE!

I took the xmas tree down yesterday. Almost couldn't get it out of here fast enough. Almost wigged out! But, phew, it's in the garage again and I can focus on making crepes for new year's eve! Photos to come...

from Menus for Entertaining by Elkon & Ross 1960 

illustrations expertly done by John Alcorn. Look at those salt and pepper shakers!!

And I finally decided on my stripper name...Peaches Ablaze! Tassels on my nipples and everything.

Grandma Guilt Wrote a Book

published by Warner Press 1973

"June" was a barmaid. While at work she met a man who opened up a world of love and goodness for her and her small daughter. But immediately following their engagement, he died of a heart attack. In despair she attempted suicide, but even that was a failure. Her doctor gave her a choice--commitment to a mental institution or to the Women's Christian Mission. She chose the latter.

THE WAY BACK is the true story of one woman's struggle to find a reason for living. It tells how God worked through various people--Christians who loved her and outcasts who needed her--to prepare her for a life of Christian service as superintendent of the very mission to which she came.

AUTHOR:  Mildred Ward is a legal secretary with the county attorney's office in Houston, Texas. She is the wife of Harold Ward and the mother of six children. Mrs. Ward was ordained in 1954, and served pastorates in Louisiana and Alabama until 1966. Then the Wards moved to Houston where Mildred became a volunteer worker at the Houston Christian Mission in addition to her office job.  She is a member of the Southmore Church of God in Pasadena, Texas, and has written several articles for Pathways to God and Vital Christianity.

The Original Corset Girl -- oil pencil drawing by Candi

paper doll oil pencil drawing by Candi

I love the metaphor (visual and intellectual) of a woman in a corset. I've ended up with a series of corset girl paintings and drawings over the years and the one above is the first.

 

 

She was inspired by a Victorian paper doll set my good grandma gave me when I was about 12. I like her garters the best. And that one red leg. And her blue brain which she uses to know what people really see when they look at her. A woman in a corset.

Christmas Cake Pops

Christmas Cream Puffs

I found this recipe in Menus for Entertaining from 1961

 



Add caption



Old Computer and a Doily Sweatshirt for Xmas

Candi composing circa 1991

My mom hot-glued those doilies on a black hanes sweatshirt and I felt very pretty. Banana clip in my hair with a bow on top. Healthy glass of brain-enhancing orange juice.
Notice the puzzle under the computer. Rickety wooden stool and that green card table. That was the "kids' table" at all holiday gatherings.
I look like myself there. Not the me I remember in my head or the one described by my family. But that is the look of how I feel right now in my own body.
Strange. She was still in there the whole time. Just sitting and looking at the screen. Waiting for some inspiration.

What Happens in a Fugue Stays in the Fugue

Fugue state

Classification and external resources

ICD-10 F44.1

ICD-9 300.13

A fugue state, formally dissociative fugue or psychogenic fugue (DSM-IV Dissociative Disorders 300.13[1]), is a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the memories, personality and other identifying characteristics of individuality. The state is usually short-lived (ranging from hours to days), but can last months or longer. Dissociative fugue usually involves unplanned travel or wandering, and is sometimes accompanied by the establishment of a new identity.

After recovery from fugue, previous memories usually return intact, but there is complete amnesia for the fugue episode. Additionally, an episode is not characterized as a fugue if it can be related to the ingestion of psychotropic substances, to physical trauma, to a general medical condition, or to psychiatric conditions such as delirium, dementia, bipolar disorder or depression. Fugues are usually precipitated by a stressful episode, and upon recovery there may be amnesia for the original stressor (Dissociative Amnesia).

About a month ago I was in the middle of a serious nervous breakdown. I received an email that upset me very much. It made me feel devalued and I became a whirlwind of panic and fear and sadness. Apparently my mind decided to take a vacation instead of dealing with the pain.

I read the email and cried in the bathroom. Then I blacked out. I dissociated. I entered a fugue state according to my therapist and psychiatrist.

Thirty minutes later I was sitting in my car parked in front of a CVS drug store. I had no idea why I was there. I didn't even know what town I was in at first.

Then I noticed that there were two shopping bags in the passenger seat full of items from the drug store. Weird thing though. I didn't remember buying these things and they were not things that I would ever buy in another circumstance. I felt like I was in a David Lynch movie.

I don't remember everything that was in the bags but here a few strange items: foam hair curlers, bay rum cologne for men (Spanish language only label), bubblegum-pink footless tights (not my size or my daughter's size). I spent $114 in CVS on stuff I won't ever and have never used.

I couldn't really just drive home and act like nothing happened. I was scared that I really needed to go to the looney bin and never come out. So, even though I knew I needed help I was very scared to ask for help. For some reason I thought I was going to get sent to jail. I guess maybe I was worried that if I was capable of this forgotten shopping I might be capable of any horrible thing.

I called my therapist and she came to CVS in 15 minutes. I had really gotten worked up and panicked by the time she drove up I was out of the car and running to her truck crying.

On the phone she told me that she would take the bags back in for me and I would just return everything and all's fixed. But I couldn't find a receipt. Not in the car, not in my purse, not on the sidewalk from the door to my car. What the heck!!!

She was stern and told me I needed to take the bags in myself. I went in and she explained nicely to the cashier that I needed to return these things because I didn't remember buying them. It's a hard thing to understand and so the cashier did not understand. She thought I was contesting that I actually bought this stuff and just wanted a refund. About seven very quiet and interested customers lined up behind me while this conversation happened. I finally had to slowly say to the cashier, "Listen, I am experiencing a mental health episode and I don't remember buying this stuff 15 minutes ago and I can't find the receipt so I need to return these things.

At this point everyone involved in the drama stopped talking to me or even looking at me. The cashier and the manager only would address my therapist from then on. It was shameful and made me want to die.

She called the manager and my therapist had to explain the whole thing again to another nice but really shocked CVS employee with my ever-more rapt audience.

At one point I said to the manager, "don't you remember me? I was here about 15 minutes ago." He looked at my therapist instead of me and replied, "I see a lot of customers..."

The manager had to go to the office to print out a computer something or other to find my debit card purchase, blah blah blah. That means for about 7 excruciating minutes I stood fidgeting by the National Enquirer stand while my therapist read the headlines loudly and elbowed my ribs to try to make me laugh. She got annoyed that I wouldn't laugh it off but I was in the middle of a raging paranoia.

I was sure that something unspoken had passed from the manager and my therapist. I was convinced that the manager was calling the police and that my therapist was just keeping me there until they could come take me away. So I was super cagey and considering just bolting and starting a new life down in San Diego or something.

When the manager returned we had to get back in line and then the cashier had to manually scan each item and charge back my card. It took longer than any transaction in CVS history. My therapist and the line of customers were very interested in each item and I felt like the fun house mirrors were all around me.

That's basically the end of the story. My therapist bought me a hamburger that I couldn't eat and I thought that all the construction workers in line at Burger King were really just undercover heavies there to take me away. Ugh. That paranoia lasted for a week or so.

My therapist and psychiatrist have done a good job of normalizing my behavior so that I can just keep moving forward through my healing. But, I wasn't sure I deserved to get better at first. I thought that amnesiatic shopping trips were the sign of the end times. Instead, it was a sign of the beginning times. To be continued...




you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?



It's Ok now, we've decided to stay together.



newlyweds 1998



oldlyweds 2011



Stuffed Weiner Dogs stop-motion by Sunny

The blog has become too heavy man. Let's take a break from the breakdown and enjoy things from my 8-year old's perspective for a moment. She's awesome.

Weiner Dogs
stop-motion photography by Sunny

I have no idea what is happening in this story and for me that does not detract at all from the emotional outcome which is my head exploding into a million little pink heart confetti flutters. Thanks Sunny. You are such a sweetheart.

I'm Trying to Help You With the Sex Thing

When I told my psychiatrist that I'm having a hard time with sex and I need to take a break so I can not feel raped every time I think of sex he told me that I have no other option. I have to take a break from sex and get healthy. I told my psych that my husband can't handle taking a break. He gets outraged or feels victimized. But my PTSD is too active right now for those sexual triggers. My husband either doesn't care about my flashbacks or he doesn't believe that they are that bad. Either way, not good.

My psychiatrist explained that my husband is being a "regular guy." But, he said, I'm not a regular woman and I'm very disturbed. I will require a extraordinary husband. My psych said I should explain this to my husband and give him a chance to say this is too much for him or help him ask for help being extraordinary.

That talk did not go over so well. He was offended at not being thought extraordinary I guess.

I Googled "what to do when your wife says no to sex." Because after last night's display of non-romance and sex demands, I realize that my husband really is a regular guy.

Google led me to a forum where one regular jackass answered:

If she says no a lot, then you'll have to come up with a plan.

Ask her if you can have a "quickie." She can just lie on her side and you can spoon her for a few minutes (finish quickly). That way it'll be sort of quick and easy for her and she won't have to deal with you asking all the time.

Also, have a conversation with her and say it's patently unfair for her to withhold sex all the time just because she doesn't feel like it. She's gotta do a little giving as well as taking.

If she still wants to play dirty, then you can withhold stuff from her too. Don't give her money for useless shopping, don't do your chores, don't go out with her, don't eat out with her, etc.

Tell her that this is a marriage and you're not just roommates. If she isn't going to act like a wife, then you're not going to treat her like a wife. If she's going to be mean and inconsiderate, then you will be too.

 

 

Luckily a regular woman also answered:

understand that we are emotional. sex is completely different for us. de-stress her.

its very hard for us to just up and get in the mood the way you men can. we have tons of thoughts running through our minds every second. when you are rejected, see whats going on in her world and see if theres anything you can do to help her out. im sorry for men in this situation, but life is crazy for us women. talk to her about it and REALLY try to understand. explain how it makes you feel as well.

 

Another regular woman answered:

When we say no (to our husbands in a healthy relationship), it means,mmm...maybe...yes! BUT make a better...much better effort!!!! just touch her kindly, kiss her, do not rush anything....it has to seem like you are not there to make it, just kisses and everything else..and after it will come naturally without asking...love has to be effortless, it has just to be..

 

A maybe extraordinary man answered:

There's nothing you can do...really!
Her sex drive will only diminish!

Tomorrow surprise her with flowers...
take her out to dinner on Friday...
cuddle up on the couch and hand over the remote...

At least she's home...

 

This regular woman's answer is my favorite:

You say, "Okay honey, love you", cuddle up behind her and go to sleep.

What else should you say?

Keep Guilt In Your Heart

For Xmas my evangelical christian guilting grandmother sent my 8year old daughter some festive rosary beads and a beautiful golden silk scarf that I hand-dyed and sent to my grandmother for her birthday about ten years ago.

My gift from Grandma Guilt is on top. It's a 31-page Catholic poetry booklet handed out by the Salesian Missions to assist proselytizing activities. It's called Keep Hope In Your Heart. The cover is missing and it has some water damage. I'm thinking back of the toilet reading for my grandma. On page 30 I found a positive gem. A very shaky handwritten note from the nameless friend that sent this booklet to my grandma. At the top of the page of the poem titled "A Portrayal" it says, "so true." Other pages say, "so good."

Yeah, that is so true. I'm truly going to burn this little booklet and scatter the strange rosary beads around in the ashes and wrap the mess all pretty in the glowing orange scarf and mail it back. Maybe I'll get it back again in ten years with something else interesting inside.

Bad Date -- Next Time I Want To See Some Live Jazz

I went on a date Friday night. First one in a long long time. My date showed up a little late and put on the shirt I bought him for the date after saying, "There's no gas in the car." Then he said, "do you have any cash?" After I drove and dropped off our daughter at the babysitters I said, "where are you taking me?" He had no answer and we drove in stony silence until I had an idea for where to go. First restaurant was too fancy for his comfort and the second one was great for me with all orange interior and yummy sushi. I don't think he liked it at all. Forced conversation. No snuggling. No lasting good fuzzies to carry us through the rough patches of our marriage. Like after he yells at me that it sounds like I need a different husband.

More than 100,000 Iraqis killed since the U.S. Invasion - "The vast majority were civilians"

Last US troops leave Iraq as war ends

By REBECCA SANTANA
AP – 11 hrs ago..
 

KHABARI CROSSING, Kuwait (AP) — The last U.S. soldiers rolled out of Iraq across the border into neighboring Kuwait at daybreak Sunday, whooping, fist bumping and hugging each other in a burst of joy and relief. Their convoy's exit marked the end of a bitterly divisive war that raged for nearly nine years and left Iraq shattered, with troubling questions lingering over whether the Arab nation will remain a steadfast U.S. ally.


The mission cost nearly 4,500 American and well more than 100,000 Iraqi lives and $800 billion from the U.S. Treasury. The question of whether it was worth it all is yet unanswered.

The last convoy of MRAPs, heavily armored personnel carriers, made a largely uneventful journey out except for a few equipment malfunctions along the way. It was dark and little was visible through the MRAP windows as they cruised through the southern Iraqi desert.

When the convoy crossed into Kuwait around 7:45 a.m. local time, the atmosphere was subdued inside one of the vehicles, with no shouting or yelling. Along the road, a small group of Iraqi soldiers waved to the departing American troops.


"My heart goes out to the Iraqis," said Warrant Officer John Jewell, acknowledging the challenges ahead. "The innocent always pay the bill."

Soldiers standing just inside the crossing on the Kuwaiti side of the border waved and snapped photos as the final trucks crossed over. Soldiers slid shut the gate behind the final truck.

"I'm pretty excited," said Sgt. Ashley Vorhees. "I'm out of Iraq. It's all smooth sailing from here."

The war that began in a blaze of aerial bombardment meant to shock and awe the dictator Saddam Hussein and his loyalists ended quietly and with minimal fanfare.

U.S. officials acknowledged the cost in blood and dollars was high, but tried to paint a picture of victory — for both the troops and the Iraqi people now freed of a dictator and on a path to democracy. But gnawing questions remain: Will Iraqis be able to forge their new government amid the still stubborn sectarian clashes. And will Iraq be able to defend itself and remain independent in a region fraught with turmoil and still steeped in insurgent threats.

Many Iraqis, however, are nervous and uncertain about the future. Their relief at the end of Saddam, who was hanged on the last day of 2006, was tempered by a long and vicious war that was launched to find nonexistent weapons of mass destruction and nearly plunged the nation into full-scale sectarian civil war.

Some criticized the Americans for leaving behind a destroyed country with thousands of widows and orphans, a people deeply divided along sectarian lines and without rebuilding the devastated infrastructure.


Some Iraqis celebrated the exit of what they called American occupiers, neither invited nor welcome in a proud country.

Others said that while grateful for U.S. help ousting Saddam, the war went on too long. A majority of Americans would agree, according to opinion polls.

The low-key exit stood in sharp contrast to the high octane start of the war, which began before dawn on March 20, 2003, with an airstrike in southern Baghdad where Saddam was believed to be hiding. U.S. and allied ground forces then stormed across the featureless Kuwaiti desert, accompanied by reporters, photographers and television crews embedded with the troops.

The final few thousand U.S. troops left Iraq in orderly caravans and tightly scheduled flights. They pulled out at night in hopes it would be more secure and got out in time for at least some of the troops to join families at home for the Christmas holidays.

Obama stopped short of calling the U.S. effort in Iraq a victory in an interview taped Thursday with ABC News' Barbara Walters.

"I would describe our troops as having succeeded in the mission of giving to the Iraqis their country in a way that gives them a chance for a successful future," Obama said.

The Iraq Body Count website says more than 100,000 Iraqis have been killed since the U.S. invasion. The vast majority were civilians.